Confused Cats
by Ekwy
Summary: UPDATED: The gorgeous lavender coloured queen Nituna and her human Darlene are up to no good, and our Agents are faced with their most challenging task yet... Part II up.
1. The Tale of Serenity Deuteronomy

Disclaimer: CATS doesn't belong to me. The PPC doesn't belong to me, but to Jay and Acacia, who started it all. The only thing here that's mine are Serenity, unfortunately. And Ekwy and Gecka, of course. But they don't count.

This is a PPC-fic that I wrote when I was bored. For those of you who don't know, the PPC stands for "Protectors of the Plot Continuum," and it is an organisation that spends their time killing Mary-Sues and correcting various things in Bad Fic all around the 'Net. Isn't that noble of them? Do they not deserve our praise? I think so.

The story being PPCd is written by me, Ekwy, since I wanted to procrastinate studying for my Math test. Ahem. Yes. Heh. I'll just go away and do that now, shall I?

**The Tale of Serenity Deuteronomy**

She knew that she was in trouble. One did not escape from the most dangerous cat in London, if not the world, without being in trouble. She tried not to think about it, but the thought kept coming back to haunt her memory.

He had tried to make her his mate. Like, ew.

It was not that Macavity wasn't handsome or anything. He had that sort of bad-boy thing going on that worked quite well for him, he just wasn't her type. She preferred her toms nice and sweet, thank you very much.

Serenity Deuteronomy continued to run along the dark streets of London. She was looking for a particular junkyard, where she knew that she would find friends to take her in while she was fleeing from Macavity. Her snowy white tail played in the wind behind her, and her black ears continuously searched for any signs of dangerous activity. Everything still seemed calm. But with Macavity, one could never be too sure.

Serenity turned a corner, and suddenly she found herself standing in front of a black tomcat, which looked at her curiously. Well, he wasn't completely black. He had a white chest, which made him look as if he was wearing a human tuxedo, and three of his legs sported white socks. The tip of his tail was also white, and dark examining eyes peered at her from a pale face.

"Hello," he said, sounding friendly. "Who are you?"

Serenity stared at him. Maybe other people simply saw just a tomcat, maybe a little smaller than most, but she saw something else. Something more. This tom was _powerful_. He had powers that Macavity could only _dream_ of. Nothing compared to her own magic, of course, but still quite impressive.

"I... You..." she stuttered, not able to take her eyes off of him. "I mean... You're a magic cat!"

(A/N: See, she's not perfect! Sometimes Serenity just say stuff that is inappropriate, she's not a Mary-Sue, you meanies!!!1)

The tomcat looked around, as if he had heard something odd, but then he shrugged and returned to Serenity.

"What? I mean, how did you know?" he said with shifty eyes.

"Oh, I am sorry." Serenity blushed. "My name is Serenity Deuteronomy, I'm looking for the Jellicles."

The tomcat seemed confused. "Your name is Serenity _Deuteronomy_?"

"Yes, after my father," Serenity announced somewhat proudly. "Do you know him, he's supposed to..."

"Does 'names that will never belong to more than one cat' mean anything to you, Serenity?" the tomcat asked, not sounding so friendly anymore.

She just gaped at him. "Like, what?"

The tomcat grinned, and his claws slowly shot out of his silky paws...

_Stop stop stop! This doesn't work like I've planned! Rewind the story! Rewind the bloody story I say!_

The tomcat smiled dreamily and nodded. "Yes, I know Old Deuteronomy, the leader of the Jellicles. I can take you to him if you want."

Serenity gave him a gleaming smile. "Thank you, you are so sweet. What's your name?"

"Quaxo."

Serenity wrinkled her delightfully pink nose so that her silvery whiskers shivered slightly. "What an odd name. It doesn't suit you at all."

"Well, too bad for you," said Quaxo, sounding a bit miffed. "It's my name, take it or leave it."

Serenity ignored him, or maybe her brain lacked the capacity of understanding that she had been insulted. "I think you should have a longer name, a name that can be shortened into something nice... and cute!"

"I don't like cute, thank you very much. I like my name."

"Mistoffelees!" exclaimed Serenity happily, again ignoring the poor tom. "Or more formally, Mr. Mistoffelees. Misto, for short."

Quaxo raised his eyebrows (or he would have done, had he been human. Now he just looked very surprised.).

"As a matter of fact," he began, but Serenity very rudely interrupted him.

"Oh, this place is just beautiful!" she cried out, admiring the junkyard.

Quaxo looked around to see if it looked any different. It didn't. There was still an old car standing there, reeking of age and gasoline. There were still loads of trash piled up everywhere, and oily garbage cans that never seemed to be emptied still stood next to the dirty house walls. The only thing even remotely beautiful in the junkyard was Mungojerrie's and Rumpleteazer's hidden treasures that glittered in the moonlight from where they lay hidden in the front seat of the car. Oh, and Serenity of course. She was also very beautiful.

"Old Deuteronomy should be here any moment now," said Quaxo, ignoring what he had just thought. "It's the Jellicle Ball tonight, so he has to get ready..."

Quaxo frowned. Why was it the Jellicle Ball again? Surely the Jellicle Ball only happened once a year, but it seemed as if no time at all had passed since the last one. Come to think of it, it always seemed to be the Jellicle Ball nowadays...

His line of thought was interrupted by a voice.

"Hello, beautiful!"

The Rum Tum Tugger jumped down from a nearby trashcan and sauntered up to Serenity, who blushed.

'Can cats blush?' though Quaxo, but he didn't say anything.

There was something extremely strange going on here, he knew that much. Almost like something, or someone, forced him to act in a way that he never would normally. It felt like he had forgotten something. Something very important. He didn't like that feeling at all.

"Well Misto, what have you found here?" asked Rum Tum Tugger and smiled warmly at the white queen. "Such a pretty little thing indeed..."

"Her name is Serenity," said Quaxo absentmindedly. "Serenity Deuteronomy." And then he realized what Tugger had just called him. "Hey, why did you..."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Serenity," purred Tugger and kissed her briefly on her paw. "A real... _pleasure_ indeed." He winked at her, and she blushed again.

"It's nice to meet you too," said Serenity shyly. "Who are you?"

"I am Rum Tum Tugger," said the maned cat. "_The_ Rum Tum Tugger."

Quaxo rolled his eyes. Tugger always did this to every pretty girl that he came across. He flirted until he had gotten what he wanted, and then he moved on. Mostly the queens caught his game quickly, but some of them had been more... affected by his charm than others. Quaxo almost felt sorry for Serenity. Almost.

He was just about to ask his friend for the Jellicle leader when he felt it. It was the presence of someone who had lived for a very long time. A warmth, a welcome, a loving father figure. Quaxo took a deep breath and were just about to announce Old Deuteronomy's arrival when Serenity suddenly squealed:

"Father!"

She was in the old cat's arms before anyone had reacted. Old Deuteronomy looked surprised for a moment, and then his eyes... sort of glazed over.

"Serenity?" he said in his deep voice and looked at her. "Is that really you? My long-lost daughter, whom I thought had been stolen away from me forever?"

Serenity looked at him adoringly. "Yes father, it is I. I came back to you."

"Aww," a voice nearby purred, and Quaxo was not surprised to see Jellylorum wipe a tear from her eye. Beside her Jennyanydots sniffled in her handkerchief. Even Skimbleshanks, the stern railway cat, seemed moved by the touching reunion.

There was only one that didn't seem happy about Serenity's arrival. Well, except Quaxo then of course. Cassandra stood and scowled at the beautiful queen with badly hidden contempt in her silvery eyes. And then there was something else. A shadow, no, two shadows of cats stood in the dark, waiting and holding watchful eyes over Serenity. Quaxo couldn't see them completely, and before he had the time to pull himself together and watch more closely, the shadows had disappeared, and so had his memory of ever seeing them in the first place.

He shrugged and continued watching how the other Jellicles greeted the daughter of Old Deuteronomy. Quaxo soon noticed a pattern in the way they approached her. First they seemed suspicious, even wary, but after Serenity had looked upon them with her innocent, glittering, golden eyes, then they greeted her with every ounce of politeness, respect and awe that a daughter of their beloved leader would deserve. Quaxo found it odd.

Why hadn't Deuteronomy ever told them about his daughter? Come to think of it, why hadn't Munkustrap shown any sign of knowing that he had a sister? Serenity's name had never been mentioned in the Jellicle tribe as far as Quaxo knew. And he had been there forever.

Well, not forever. But it _felt_ like forever sometimes.

"Hang in there, Quaxo," someone whispered in his ear.

He turned around, his heart pounding in his chest. Even cats made noises when they walked. Not noises that humans could hear, obviously, but another cat most definitely should hear it. And he had heard nothing. But still, there it was, a voice behind him. But no cat stood there, only the two shadows that were still hidden in the dark.

"Don't worry, Quaxo," someone whispered softly. "We'll help you, and your friends."

"What's happening to them?" asked Quaxo, squinting into the darkness to try and catch a glimpse of the shadows. He couldn't.

"They are... under a spell. Yeah, that's it. You can feel it too, can't you? The strange pull, the need to say and do things that are not in your nature. It is. All. Her. Fault."

The shadow that had spoken gesticulated towards Serenity, who was talking and laughing with the Rum Tum Tugger. The other shadow hissed menacingly, but said nothing. The first shadow gave the second a Look, and then it returned to the frightened tom.

"Listen to me now, Quaxo," it purred. "Do you want to help us?"

He nodded without saying a word. Of course he wanted to help. If his friends, nay, not his friends, his _family_, were in trouble he wanted to help them get out of it. He had to.

"Good," said Shadow #1. "Pay attention now. She will come after you, that's why she's here. Deuteronomy, Tugger, Munkustrap, those are just ways of getting to you. You understand?"

Quaxo nodded again. "I understand. But... Why me? And who are you people anyway?"

Shadow #1 chuckled. "Do not bother yourself with that now. Just remember that we are here to help the Jellicles. Serenity" (here the shadow snorted) "is here to make you fall in love with her."

Quaxo sputtered something incoherent. "Me? Love? With _her_?!"

"I am afraid so."

"But... I thought that Tugger liked her."

"He does. It's just that Serenity's author doesn't fancy him quite as... Oops."

Quaxo frowned again. Had the shadow just told him what he thought it had? "'Serenity's author'?" he repeated.

"You were not supposed to hear that. Sorry about this, Quaxo."

There was a ruffle, as if the shadow looked through something. After a moment it held up a small silver object that sort of looked like a thick pen. There was a red light there that held all the answers...

_Flash._

"Good kitty, Quaxo. Now, this didn't happen. You have never met any shadows, nor have you heard us speak to you. You are still suspicious of Serenity Deuteronomy, and you think that she is hiding something. You feel that it would be wise to stay away from her for now. Now, go and join the other Jellicles and celebrate the Jellicle Ball... again."

Blinking dazedly, Quaxo obeyed.

---

The shadows were of course no shadows. They were PPC Agents, Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and they had been sent to this story to kill Serenity Deuteronomy. For of course, Serenity was not the daughter of the Jellicle leader. She was a fraud, a faker. She was a Mary-Sue. The Agents were Ekwy, and her younger sister Gecka. They were currently cats.

When you worked in the PPC you couldn't go into fics in your normal form. You had to disguise yourself, so that the Sue wouldn't notice you. The bad part about Cats was that the musical didn't have many shapes that you could wear without getting into trouble. There were no bit characters like in for an example Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. When you went into fics like that, you had to be as incognito as possible. Therefore, Ekwy had chosen black cats as disguises for her and her sister. They wouldn't stick out much if the Sue saw them, and none of the canons would notice them if they didn't make themselves known.

It had been Ekwy who had spoken to Quaxo, since her sister had been too furious about Tugger flirting with Serenity to speak. She had simply hissed and glared at the Sue. If Ekwy hadn't held her back, Gecka most certainly would have ripped Serenity's throat out. And that wouldn't do. Not yet, anyway.

"Why did you hold me back for?" whined Gecka and pouted. "I could have gotten her!"

"We don't have enough charges for her yet," explained Ekwy calmly for the umpteenth time. "I have _told_ you this, sis. We have to be incognito, first we have to..."

"Stalk, charge, kill, I know," Gecka filled in. "Your rules are stupid."

"I swear, if mum hadn't made me take you with me, I'd..."

Ekwy took a deep breath, closed her eyes and slowly counted to ten. And then she exhaled. She had lost track of how many times she had done that during this mission.

Usually she got along very well with her sister. Under normal circumstances, they were best friends, or at least as best friends as one could be with a sibling. But a mission for the PPC was not normal circumstances, and the sisters had been on each other's throats all day.

"Like you were acting so incognito when you talked to Quaxo," said Gecka. "If you didn't have the flashy thing, you'd so be in trouble with the SO. And why do you have a flower for a boss anyway?"

"First of all, it's called a neurolyzer," snorted Ekwy, holding up the silver object. "Secondly, he's my Lust Object! I'd like to see you talk to Tugger without screwing up."

"I don't know what you see in that cat anyway. He looks weird."

"Well, not everything is about raw, animal sexuality. You did notice that _my_ guy tries to fight it, right? You saw what he tried to do in the beginning. The author herself has problems with getting him to do what she wants him to do! _Your_ guy is totally sold on Mary-Sue over there."

"You're a poo-head."

"Whatever."

They watched Serenity in silence for a while. She seemed to have made best friends with the kittens of the tribe, and they sat on the hood of the car, giggling and gossiping. Ekwy snorted.

"So when can we kill her?" Gecka demanded to know.

Ekwy squinted at the words. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't make Gecka read them on her own.

"Soon," she promised. "Soon. Just wait, sis. Just wait."

---

Serenity was having the best day in her life. She had been greeted like a princess by the tribe, and they all seemed to love her. Her father Deuteronomy had shown her around the junkyard, which in her eyes seemed like a fairyland. Her brother Munkustrap had told her that since she was the oldest sibling she was supposed to take over the leadership of the tribe after Deuteronomy had gone to the Heaviside Layer, and she had humbly accepted this responsibility. The Rum Tum Tugger never left her side, and he continuously told her how beautiful he thought she was. And she was very beautiful.

---

"Brace yourself, Gecka," Ekwy whispered. "Here it comes. The never-ending Sue description."

---

Her coat was a snowy white, with black ears, chest and socks on all four legs. Her tail was perfectly even and silky smooth where it ringled around her body, and golden rings gleamed in her ears. The earrings were a present from Macavity, he had given her them as a wedding-gift. But of course no one could know that. Anyway, Serenity's whiskers where a beautiful silver, her eyes a captivating gold, and the magic flowing through her veins made her glow with an ethereal light. She moved with the grace of all cats combined, and she was even more silent and swift in her movements than Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer.

By looking into her enchanting eyes you could see how she had suffered through her life, not knowing her true heritage or her family. The pain would never go away, she knew that, but at least it seemed like her new life would be much better now. She had friends now, and a family that loved her very much. She would do her absolute best to guard them from the evil Macavity, and the Pollicles. She would get to know them, love them, and she would herself chose the one cat to go to the Heaviside Layer that night...

"That's _it_!"

A cat stepped out of the shadows. It was a queen, and her yellow eyes gleamed with hatred. She looked sort of... odd. Not beautifully odd, like Serenity, but a dangerous oddness. Her fur was completely black, but with some sort of mark on her left front leg. A white... cactus? Serenity sniffed.

"What?" she asked sweetly. "Who are you?"

The queen ignored her and took up a piece of paper. "Serenity Deuteronomy, you are charged with the following crimes against canon: pushing Macavity and the Jellicle cats out of character, namely Old Deuteronomy, Cassandra, Munkustrap and the Rum Tum Tugger; being the un-canonical offspring and sibling of canon characters; turning the Rum Tum Tugger into a drooling idiot; being a better dancer than Victoria, a better singer than Jemima, a better magician than Mistoffelees, and a better leader than Munkustrap; for thinking that you know enough about the Jellicles to make the Jellicle Choice; for not knowing Mistoffelees' real name; for daring to call Mistoffelees 'Misto'; for..."

"_Daring_ to make the Rum Tum Tugger falling for you; even _thinking_ that he'd _ever_ even look twice at you; _and_ making him a bloody twit..."

Another queen had joined the first. This one seemed even more furious, and her claws kept clenching and unclenching, as if she was itching to tear Serenity into small shreds.

"Gecka, sweetie, I love you and all, but we have to charge her for everything done wrong to _everyone_, not just your Lust Object," said the first, but she didn't sound too mad. "Now. For being able to defeat Macavity once and for all; for having a tragic past and angsting about it; for being extremely annoying, pissing off PPC agents and for being a Mary Sue of the first degree, you are sentenced with death. Any last words? No? Good. Gecka, go fetch."

The second queen hissed and attacked Serenity, who seemed petrified with fear. In the matter of seconds the shimmering white fur was drenched with glittery blood, the typical sign of a Mary Sue, and the mangled corpse of Serenity Deuteronomy lay motionless on the filthy ground.

Gecka sprung back to her sister's side, looking extremely pleased with herself. Ekwy smiled at her proudly.

"Very good, kitty-cat," she beamed. "And now for the other cats."

She turned around to face the Jellicles, who looked extremely confused. Canon had snapped back into place, and they didn't look so weak and useless anymore. Munkustrap had gotten back his natural leadership. Jennyanydots and Jellylorum were talking about knitting. The Rum Tum Tugger had gone over to chat with his fangirls, who seemed to have forgotten all about their dearly departed best friend.

"Things seem to have gotten back to normal here," said Ekwy, looking around with relief. "I suppose we can just..."

"Hold it right there."

"Oops."

The sisters slowly looked back. They had expected Quaxo standing there and demanding answers. This was wrong. The tom who stood there was as far from the shy, slightly small cat as you could get. It was not Quaxo. It was Mistoffelees.

Real magic danced around his paws, making the air hum. His coat glittered as if stars had fallen down and attached themselves to his fur. He was extremely powerful. He was the only magical cat in the fandom. And he was majorly pissed off.

"I don't like it when people won't answer my questions," he said softly, making the air crackle with blue energy. "So you're just going to stay here and explain it all to me."

Ekwy had gotten a slightly dazed expression on her face. Gecka rolled her eyes. Her sister could be such an idiot sometimes.

"Er..." she said. "I'm sorry, but we really can't tell you. We have rules, you see..."

"The Flowers That Be," mumbled Ekwy dreamily.

"Right, our bosses," Gecka made a face "doesn't like it when we tell canon chara-- I mean, the ones we help, about what we do. At least not so that they remember it afterwards," she added to herself.

Mistoffelees raised an eyebrow. A ball of blue lightning hit the ground about an inch from where the sisters stood.

That made Ekwy wake up from her coma-like state. She grabbed her sister by the paw, and in one quick motion she got the neurolyzer up.

"Gecka, close your eyes!" she cried out one half a second before she clicked the flashy thing.

Mistoffelees had stopped with the lightning. That was good. But now she had to work fast.

"You have slept and dreamed all this," she rambled as she fumbled with the Portal Generator. "It was a weird dream, but you don't want to remember it. You're going to go to sleep now and never talk to anybody about this. And that goes for you too!" she called out to the rest of the Jellicles.

A second later the Agents had gotten a portal up and jumped through it back to their house. Ekwy wouldn't bring Gecka to another mission any time soon. At least not to Cats. At least not any fic that featured the Rum Tum Tugger. Gecka was a little too good about getting rid of Mary Sues.

---

**A/N:** Feel free to flame, leave concrit, or just praise me mindlessly. Anything is fine with me! ) 


	2. The Adventures of Raven Bitca, Part I

Disclaimer: CATS is not mine. Raven Bitca is mine. House points to whoever can figure out where her last name comes from! It's a BtVS reference, that's all I can say. And Ekwy is mine too. If you want to read more about her, go to my profile and check out my website. After getting sick of CATS, she started to work at the Harry Potter division, you see. It all makes sense!

The PPC is not mine. Again, check my profile for further details.

**A/N:** Hm. I really didn't think I'd update this story, actually. But then my muse came up to me and said "Hey, you know what, you can do more with this one." Then he looked at me with those adorable kitty-eyes. And since my muse is Quaxo, I could not resist. I mean, would you? Thought not.

Oh, and Raven's little bit of angsty poetry there shall be sung to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Just so you know.

Thanks a lot for the reviews I've recieved so far, you guys! They make me so happy!

**The Adventures of Raven Bitca, Part I**

People had always made fun of Raven Bitca's ears, and there was no wonder about that. They were slightly pointed and placed a little higher up on her head than what was considered normal. Her eyes had a strange green/yellowish colour and the pupils within them were thin and oblong. People used to say that her eyes looked like the ones of a cat, and then they would laugh.

Her movements were also strangely feline. She moved with unfathomable grace and dignity no matter what she did, and that gave her an air of beauty that the jealous girls in her school could not even dream of. Her hair was black as a raven's wing and smooth as silk. It was also, oddly enough, naturally streaked with blue.

For all this, the kids in Raven's school teased her mercilessly. Woe was Raven! Ever day she walked alone! She tried to tell herself that she was strong without them, and she tried to love herself however ugly she thought she was.

Of all the people in her life, only one person fully understood Raven, and that was her friend Wannabe. Wannabe was a Goth, which meant that she listened to depressing music and dyed her hair black. (A/N: But Raven didn't have to do that, because her hair was already black. Did I mention that it had natural blue streaks? OMGsoalternative!)

Raven decided that she wanted to be a Goth just like Wannabe, a paradox in itself, and therefore she pierced her ears, her tongue and her nose. Now she would certainly be noticed and seen and loved! But ack, for with this she alienated herself even more from the other kids at school. Could she never win?

Raven wrote a lot of angsty poetry that no one would ever read. One of them went like this:  
_Woe, woe, woe is me  
My wounds will never heal  
Sobbingly, sobbingly, sobbingly, sobbingly  
I think I am a seal_  
Now you understand why no one would ever read them. They sucked. But Raven didn't think so. She thought that they were alternative and dark and reflected her inner turmoil and stuff.

On this particular day, Raven was about to go with Wannabe to a Goth club. But before she left the house, she decided to watch her CATS DVD. Raven loved CATS, she had seen the DVD lots of times. It was strange, though, that somehow she felt like she'd seen both Munkustrap and Demeter before...

She popped in the DVD. She was home alone, not that anyone cared is she watched TV all day. Raven was an orphan, she had never known her real parents, and the people that had adopted her hated her and wanted her to die. They abused her every day, but no one ever saw her marks, and WOE WAS HER, DAMMIT.

Anyway. Raven watched the DVD, and she dreamed of another place where she would feel at home, where she wouldn't have to hide her horrible ears, where people wouldn't laugh at her...

She stifled a sob and hid her tears as _Jellicle Cats_ came to its end and the cats started to explain about the Naming. Raven closed her eyes and just listened. So beautiful. But wait, wasn't that another sound, one that didn't fit in? She frowned and opened her eyes. And gasped.

In front of the television, completely covering the screen, was a swirling portal. It was slightly pinkish and glittered, and from it came the mesmerising sounds of Victoria's calling dance. Before Raven could blink, she had been sucked into the portal. It pulsated a few times before it vanished from her living room. As if it had never been there at all.

--

Raven woke up and noticed that she was lying on hard, cold stone. It was very dark, and she felt strange. Slowly she got to her feet. That was odd. She had always had a better nighttime vision than anyone she knew, but now it was almost ridiculous. She felt that it was night, but she saw everything as clearly as if it had been daylight!

She took a look at herself and gasped.

Fur! She had fur! It was black as midnight and shimmered slightly as she moved. A mirror! She needed a mirror!

After a short while, Raven managed to track down a small puddle in the street, and she stood there for a long time, admiring her own reflection.

Her coat was, as told, black. Her face was the only thing that was white, and it had strange markings. Her lips were coloured a dark blue, just like Raven's favourite lipstick. The fur on her head had blue streaks. The only thing that hadn't really changed were her eyes. They were the same greenish yellow as the last time she's looked into a mirror.

'I look... beautiful,' thought Raven. 'And I am a cat. Somehow I must've transformed when I went through that portal. Awesome! I wonder where Tugger is...'

And, just like many Mary-Sues starting in the real world but ending up in the world of their respective Lust Objects, Raven Bitca accepted the change within five seconds and went on a mission to find the epitome of all things hot: The Rum Tum Tugger.

She didn't get very far. Her path was crossed by another cat, a tom with ginger fur, who jumped down into the alley from a nearby trashcan.

"Well," he purred. "What do we have here? Poor little Jellicle, lost and alone... Far from your precious junkyard. Whatever shall I do with you?"

Raven took a step back. "Macavity..."

The tom grinned toothily. "You have heard of me. I'm flattered."

"I am not afraid of you," said Raven, and noticed that she really wasn't. There was no fear, just anger, and a strength that she hadn't known she possessed.

"You're not?"

For a moment, Macavity looked uncertain. As if he knew something was wrong. He had the power to hypnotize an entire tribe so that they didn't even react when he took away their beloved leader. He could fight off that fool Munkustrap. If it hadn't been for that thirteen times cursed Mistoffelees, he would have gotten away with his master plan to kidnap Old Deuteronomy.

This kitten wasn't afraid of him? Was it possible to get that daft?

And then he got caught in Raven's web of Suedom, and there was no going back.

"I shall show you, foolish child!" he screamed and attacked.

Raven avoided his blows easily. She seemed to move too fast for him to see, her fists flew wildly and hit him in the stomach. As he bent over in pain, she pressed her hands together, as if in prayer, and whacked him at the back of his head. Macavity, AKA The Napoleon of Crime, AKA The Hidden Paw, was promptly knocked out.

"That... wasn't so hard," mumbled Raven to herself.

Of course, she had known she would win. She did have a black belt in every type of martial arts there was, after all. Macavity was a piece of cake.

She turned around to get out of the alley and find her way to the Jellicle junkyard. And discovered that Jellicles had already found their way to her.

--

What Raven's keen eyes failed to notice was the shadow that watched her from behind a dumpster. Yellow eyes had followed the black cat's every move, and a very distinctly female voice had snorted loudly when Macavity was defeated.

"Oh yes, that is very likely," it said sarcastically. "Of course you can kick Macavity's ass. Of course. Oh, I'm going to have FUN with you..."

The owner of the voice, a cat just as black as Raven was (but not as sparkly and shimmering, of course) watched as three toms slowly approached the Sue. She recognized them as Alonzo, Tumblebrutus and the Rum Tum Tugger, and they looked at Raven as if they had never seen a girl before.

The Agent shivered. This was going to get absolutely and positively VILE.

--

"Who are you?" asked Alonzo and stared at Raven in awe. "I have never seen anyone fight like that!"

"Sure you have," mumbled a voice. "Munkustrap gave Macavity a run for his money at the Jellicle Ball. And he did it like a real cat too, not like Jackie Chan."

Raven looked around, frowning. Surely that had been something... She shook her head and smiled modestly.

"Oh, it was nothing," she said. "I'm sure you could've done it too."

"You knocked him out cold," gushed Tumblebrutus and carefully poked the fallen Macavity with his front paw. "I could NEVER have done anything like that!"

"Me neither!" raved Alonzo. "Who are you, fair one?"

Someone snorted loudly and Raven turned around. There was no one there. She turned back to her two adoring fans.

"I am just Raven Bitca," she said innocently. "I am no one special... But you--" She stared at them, suddenly realizing who they were. "You are Alonzo and Tumblebrutus!"

The two toms didn't know what to do with themselves, they got so excited. They acted like two hyperactive kittens instead of the almost adult cats they were.

"How did you know that?!" they chorused frantically.

Raven turned away from them and watched the Rum Tum Tugger, who had said nothing yet. He was staring at her, as if mesmerized. His eyes... They were magical. Their eyes met, and suddenly Raven knew. She knew he was the one.

"Oh PLEASE! You haven't even TALKED to him yet!"

Raven ignored the voice and fluttered her eyelashes at the maned tom. He smiled goofily. His eyes became distant and misty. He was in love.

"Brave lady Raven Bitca!" said Alonzo grandly and bowed to her. "The Defeater of the Napoleon of Crime! We invite you to the Jellicle junkyard with us, to stay for as long as you want!"

Raven tore her gaze away from Tugger's blue eyes and nodded courtly. "I accept your invitation, Alonzo." She smiled at Tugger. "As long as this fine gentleman does not object, of course."

Tugger sputtered something incoherent. He was practically drooling. It was a disgusting sight. In the end, he gave up on speaking and simply stared at the beauty of Raven Bitca.

"Off we go then!" said Tumblebrutus cheerfully and led the way.

--------

**A/N:** Isn't this exciting? OMGwhatwillhappen? Why do Raven recognize Munkustrap and Demeter so? Why won't this bloody website allow me to post the entire thing in one chapter? But, the most important question is of course: Will Raven and Tugger get together?

Nah, don't be silly. Of course they won't. 


	3. The Adventures of Raven Bitca, Part II

Disclaimer: The song that Ekwy sings comes from _Wicked_. Mmm, love my _Wicked_ CD. Mwah! Neurolyzers come from the _Men in Black_ movies. Very useful things, those.

Thank you for your reviews! Keep 'em comin'... :)

**The Adventures of Raven Bitca, Part II**

The Jellicles didn't know how well they wanted Raven. All of them wanted to be near her splendidness, even Tugger's fangirls abandoned him to sit by her feet. But Raven only had eyes for Tugger. That was until Munkustrap and Demeter caught sight of her and gasped simultaneously.

"Oh my!" squeaked Demeter and grabbed Munkustrap. "Can it be... Can it really be..."

She did not finish the sentence; she simply dissolved into sobs and clung to her mate's shoulder. Munkustrap patted her absentmindedly on her golden head. Slowly, while supporting a crying Demeter, he walked up to Raven.

She got to her feet and met the pair halfway. This was the greatest moment of her life.

Raven looked at Munkustrap. He was just as handsome as he was in the movie. His coat was a matted silver with darker grey stripes, his eyes a stern but kind green. He looked at her with all the sorrows of the world shimmering in the green orbs.

Raven looked at Demeter. The golden queen was, despite the fact that she was sobbing so violently that she could barely stand, a very beautiful cat. Munkustrap had his muscular arm wrapped around her in a protective gesture, and he stroked her calmingly.

"It is all right, my love," he whispered so faintly that only Raven's extraordinary hearing picked it up. "It will all be fine now that we are all together again. Sssh, don't cry..."

Finally Demeter looked up and met Raven's eyes. The black cat calmly met her gaze, but inside she felt like she might break down and cry just as hard as... as...

Her mother?

"Oh, my darling little baby girl, you are all grown up, and look how beautiful you are!" sniffled Demeter and started wailing again. "Oh, you must forgive your father and I, my precious, we did not know any better! We wanted to keep you so, so much, but ack, for we knew that you were meant for great things, and Macavity would certainly come after you, so we asked the Twins and Mistoffelees to put a spell on you so that you would become human and forget your life as a cat, and we are so, so sorry, and we know you cannot EVER forgive us but please try? We only want to be a family again!"

She dissolved into sobs once more.

"Yes," said Munkustrap and held out one arm for Raven to take. "My daughter..."

Raven stared. How could they do this to her? How could they just... _assume_ that she would...

But of course she would. She had always known that she was special and not like other humans. Not even Wannabe had fully understood her, not like her CATS DVD had. She had always, always known!

She fell into her father's arms and wept, and not a single eye was dry in the junkyard. Even Cassandra shed a tear before the happy family scene. All was well with the world!

--

Or so they thought.

Ekwy Fields, Mary-Sue Assassin for the PPC, was not happy. She didn't like to be alone on a mission, no she didn't like it one bit. Curses upon Gecka for getting sick!

But maybe it was for the best. After all, from what Ekwy had gathered, Raven Bitca was supposed to hook up with the Rum Tum Tugger. Considering what Gecka had done to Serenity Deuteronomy, who hadn't even been after the maned cat in the first place, introducing her to Raven would be a very messy affair indeed. Ekwy didn't like messiness.

But that did leave only her to take care of everything. It was not the killing she had a problem with. She'd been killing Sues for nearly a year now, and she was getting pretty damn good at it. It was just that she was out of ideas for how to do it. She liked to be creative. So far, she hadn't killed two Sues in the same way, and she wanted to keep it that way.

'Perhaps I shall let wild Pollicles rip her apart?' pondered Ekwy as she strolled around the shadows of the junkyard. 'That would save me the trouble of finding a place to dump the body as well. And the poor dears gets so hungry if I don't feed them...'

She smiled fondly as she thought of the Pollicles. Ekwy wasn't really a dog person, but they did have their uses sometimes.

Yes, Pollicles. She could use that, if she didn't think of anything better to do with Raven Bitca. What kind of name was that, anyway?

She regarded the Sue critically, as Raven was fawned upon by her newly discovered mother.

A cat-person. How she detested cat-people. Whiny little brats they were, the lot of them. "Oh I am so alone, nobody likes me because I have funny ears, wha wha wha..." Please. If they wanted kids to hate their Sue, then they only had to give her a tail. People would get over the fact of her pointy ears rather quickly, but it was harder to ignore a fully-grown tail.

At least she didn't work in the Lord of the Rings fandom. The Elven Sues showing up there were even worse, she'd heard. Multicoloured eyes and long golden tresses and mysterious magical powers... It was enough to make you sick.

Oh, well. Raven Bitca would be dead soon, thank goodness. Humming _No One Mourns the Wicked_ silently to herself, Ekwy went to get some sleep. She'd need it. Tomorrow would be worse.

--

Raven Bitca opened her eyes and wondered briefly where she was. And then she remembered, and she smiled.

She stretched her lovely, slim cat-body and yawned lazily. She could get used to this. Being Munkustrap's daughter, and thereby also the heiress to the throne of the Jellicle Tribe, did have its advantages.

She gracefully jumped down from the giant tire, where she had been sleeping, and went to examine her new kingdom. This was her place. This was where she belonged. She couldn't even remember what those other people, the ones that had called themselves her adoptive parents, had looked like.

Raven strolled around for a while, without really having a goal. She was looking for someone, she knew that. But whom?

It was not until she found Tugger sitting in a corner, looking rather sad, that she knew whom.

"Hello," she said softly and sat down next to him.

He jumped. He hadn't seen her coming. Her movements were so swift and elegant that he hadn't even noticed!

"Hello," he answered.

It was the first time he had ever spoken to her. Raven allowed herself to melt into his voice for a moment before speaking again.

"You don't look so good. What's the matter?"

He looked up to meet her gaze. "It's nothing," he muttered. "Nothing at all. Just something silly, that your father decided when you were a small kitten, just before they... found out how special you were."

He gave her an adoring glance.

Raven frowned. "What did father decide for me?"

Tugger sighed, mentally preparing for what he would reveal. The air hummed with excitement. The junkyard held its breath.

"He decided... that you and--and I would be..." He blushed, and Raven's fangirlish heart squealed with excitement.

Who would've known that the macho Rum Tum Tugger would be able to blush?

Tugger faced the ground, not able to look at her. He was too embarrassed. How could he even believe that this--this goddess would ever even look twice at him? At last he decided to just blurt it out.

"He decided that, when you were old enough, we would become mates."

It became very, very silent. Only the sounds of Raven's suddenly pounding heart were heard in the entire junkyard.

"Mates?" she repeated finally. "You and... and I?"

"Of course, you don't have to," Tugger stuttered, in hope that she would not be angry with him or reject him right away. "It was a stupid idea of Munkustrap's, he shouldn't have... Please don't be mad!"

He looked pleadingly at her. To his surprise, Raven only smiled sweetly.

"Oh Tugger," she fluted. "I have loved you since the first time I laid my weird-looking eyes on you! We are soul mates! There has never been anyone else but you!"

He stared at her. For a moment there was a flicker of horror in his eyes as the real Rum Tum Tugger -- the one who had not been possessed by the Sue -- gained control of his own body in a futile attempt to get as far away from Raven as possible. It did not last long. Two nanoseconds later, the mind of the Suvian had control over him again, and made him smiled stupidly.

"Really?" he asked. "Do you really, really mean that, my lovely, darling, sweet little schnickerdoodle?"

"Oh yes, I do, love-buns! Kiss me, you fool!"

Obeying immediately, Tugger took her in his arms and dipped her backwards. His mouth closed in on hers, Raven's heart squealed incoherent net-speak with a lot of exclamation marks, and...

"STOP! Stop stop stop stop stop stop _stop_!"

Tugger dropped Raven on the ground. There was a THUNK as she hid her head on the asphalt.

"Ow."

The Sue rubbed her head and looked up. In front of her stood a black cat, who was panting slightly as if she had been running.

"Who are you?" whined Raven. "You're not supposed to be here! He was just about to kiss me!"

"Yeah, what was up with THAT?" asked the black cat. "Cats don't kiss. They nuzzle, they pounce, they butt, but they don't bloody KISS. You just went a leeettle bit overboard there, sweets."

She grinned, showing off a little more teeth than was strictly necessary. Then she picked up a piece of paper and cleared her throat.

"Raven Bitca, you are charged with all the following crimes against canon: Being a cat-person; pushing the Rum Tum Tugger, Alonzo and Tumblebrutus out of character... Probably Demeter too, she doesn't cry quite as much as you want her to. Wait a minute while I write that down." There was a few scratching sounds. "There. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Ahem. Writing angsty and extremely bad poetry; having natural blue streaks (yes, that IS a charge); thinking that being Goth is just listening to Evanescence and wear too much mascara; having a Tragic Pastand angsting about it; being able to kick Macavity's ass without even breaking a sweat; breaking up a canon romance (i.e. the relationship between the Rum Tum Tugger and his fangirls) just so that you can get together with him..."

The cat paused to take a breath.

"Causing the Rum Tum Tugger to act like a lovestruck fool over you; being the un-canonical offspring of Munkustrap and Demeter; altering the nature of cats by snogging the Rum Tum Tugger as if you were both human; using a bad plot device by making Munkustrap marry off his only daughter..."

The cat turned silent. And then...

"Eww!" She looked at Raven in disgust. "You are aware that Tugger is your uncle, right? Gross!"

Raven didn't miss a beat. "That's not proved! It's just something that people say!"

"No, it is a common opinion that he is," the cat corrected her. "So common, in fact, that it's basically canon. Anyway, the PPC counts is as canon, and believe me, Toots, when I say that you do NOT want to mess with the PPC. You're in enough trouble already."

"But it's FANFICTION!" whined Raven and stomped her foot hard on the ground. "I can do what I WANT!"

Ekwy winced. "Oh, you REALLY shouldn't have said that... I am afraid I have to kill you a little harder than usual now."

Before Raven noticed what she'd said, Ekwy had head-butted her and smirked in satisfaction as the Sue went down like a ton of bricks.

Tugger blinked a few times. "Who are you?" he finally demanded to know.

Ekwy turned around and smiled at him. She had put on her black sunglasses and held up the neurolyzer in front of him.

"Who, me? Just a dream, Tugger. Just a dream."

_Flash._

"Go back to sleep now. This was all a very strange dream that you don't want to remember and which will be gone in the morning. Go now. Shoo. Scram."

Tugger obeyed dazedly. Ekwy regarded the fallen Sue for a while and sighed.

"Right."

She picked up Raven and threw her over her shoulder, not caring much that the Sue's head just accidentally happened to bang into things as she passed them. It didn't take Ekwy very long to get to the alleys where the stray dogs hanged out. She was a little nervous, she was in the body of a cat after all, but not scared. She knew that the Pollicles wouldn't see her unless she chose to reveal herself to them, which she wasn't planning on doing.

This particular alley was a cul-de-sac, surrounded by garbage and dirty brick walls. As far as Ekwy could see, it was a fitting place for Raven Bitca to end her days.

She dropped the Sue on the filthy ground and lithely jumped up to view the spectacle from a safe distance. She didn't want to miss this.

She drew a breath and shouted at the top of her lungs:

"C'mere all Pekes and Pollicles and Pugs and Poms! Dinner's served, my sweets! Come and grab it!"

Her voice woke up Raven, who moaned and rubbed her wounded head. Ekwy grinned, and it wasn't very pleasant. Her eyes glinted wickedly.

The first dog had just woken up, and to Ekwy's delight it was an Alsatian.

Very slowly, Raven turned around. The very large teeth of the dog glimmered in the faint light of a nearby streetlamp.

"Show him your black belts!" Ekwy called down and giggled. "I'm sure he'll be VERY impressed."

She watched the whole thing with some interest, but then she got bored. Before she left, however, she just couldn't resist rubbing it in further. She looked down. Raven was still alive. Barely.

"Oh, and one more thing?"

Raven looked up, her yellow/green eyes wide with pain and terror.

"John Partridge is gay. He is the gayest of the gayest of the gayest. Sorry to burst your bubble. Bye!"

And Ekwy chuckled to herself, turned around, walked through a newly opened portal, and left Raven to her fate.

----------

**A/N:** Remember that it is nice to review. The Author will love you if you review. Do you not want the Author to love you?

Also, if you have an idea for a special Sue-archetype you want me to... dispose of, let me know! 


	4. The Story of Cindy the Terrible

**A/N:** My goodness, it's updated! I'm so happy! I didn't think I would ever get this one ready. Jemima-luvah, you got your wish. Here she is, the Macavity's Daughter-Sue! I'm not sure if it's as funny as the others were, but I did my very best.

**The Story of Cindy the Terrible**

Of all the queens at the Jellicle junkyard, there was no one as beautiful as Demeter. This was something that all toms agreed on, especially Munkustrap. Demeter's fur was a deep golden, which changed into auburn and bronze in some places. If you squinted and looked at her with your head tilted just a little bit, her fur seemed as colourful as the trees at autumn. Or maybe a sunset. Yeah, a sunset sounds better. Forget about the autumn trees.

Anyway. Demeter's eyes were brilliant green gems that often sparkled, whether it be in merriment or in sorrow. She always moved gracefully and with great elegance.

But even though Demeter was so beautiful, the other Jellicle queens were not in the least bit jealous. For Demeter was not only stunningly gorgeous with eyes like jewels and fur shimmering of a thousand colours, she was also incredibly nice. And caring. And generous. And modest.

In short: Demeter was absolutely bloody perfect. All the toms of the tribe adored the ground she nanced... sorry, _walked_ on, and the queens worshiped her. There were even rumours that Etcetera had abandoned her shrine to the Rum Tum Tugger and started to build one for Demeter. She was just that _darn_ special, see?

In any case, one day when our heroine was out with her feline friends at the junkyard, a very nasty cat named Macavity came by. He took one look at Demeter and her stunning beauty, and he fell madly in love with her. So, in a sudden burst of in character-ness, Macavity rushed into the junkyard, snatched Demeter from her favourite sun-bathing place on the hood of a rusty car, and was gone before the rest of the Jellicles could say: "Well, oh bother."

Macavity brought Demeter to his lair. He fell to his knees, even though he was a cat and his legs shouldn't bend that way, and he begged her to be his mate forever and always.

"I'll be a good tom!" he cried out. "I'll help old queens cross the road! I will be nice to kittens! I will go to Munkustrap and accept my punishment for being such a naughty, naughty cat!"

Demeter, seeing that the ginger cat did have something good inside him after all, accepted this. She conveniently enough also decided that her Jellicle friends were all a bunch of suckers really, and she happily resided with her darling Mac for many years without missing them even for one second. She even bore him an heir, a beautiful daughter that he named Cinderella Wilhelmina Anna Bandanna. She was most often just called Cindy, but since her father decided to raise her to be EVUL, he also called her Cindy the Terrible.

Cindy grew up to be gorgeous, just like her mother. In fact, she looked _exactly_ like her mother, with the sunset fur and the emerald eyes and all that jazz.

And it is now, when Cindy the Terrible is the feline equivalent of seventeen, that our story finally _begins_.

-

"I am _so_ intrigued."

"Pipe down, Gecks. I can't see anything."

"Be thankful for that, sis."

-

Macavity paced up and down outside the bathroom. Once in a while he stopped and pounded the still extremely locked door.

"Cindy!" he bellowed after a while. "Cindy, now you're opening this door!" His voice grew pleading. "Please?" he asked.

"Just a minute, daddy!" came the voice from the other side. "I'm painting my claws!"

Macavity groaned. When he had decided to get an heir, he hadn't taken this into account. Heirs grew up, and they became teenagers. When your heir was an incredibly vain girl, you were in trouble. He continued pacing.

Fifteen minutes later, just when the Mystery Cat thought he was going to explode and considered running outside, the door opened, and his beautiful daughter stood there, smiling sweetly at him. Macavity immediately melted. He had never been able to resist his baby girl.

"All yours, daddy," Cindy chirped.

Macavity ran into the bathroom. Thank the Everlasting Cat! Cindy looked at him in surprise, and then she shrugged. She took a look in the mirror that hanged on the wall beside her. Ah, yes. She looked absolutely stunning, of course. Her claws glimmered in blood red, round her neck glittered a diamond necklace stolen especially for her, and the satin green bow behind her ear went perfectly well with the emerald of her eyes.

But still, despite her beauty, Cindy felt sad. She knew that she was Chosen to be a leader after her father, and she didn't want to. She did love her father, oh yes, more than she could ever say, but she didn't want to be evil. She didn't think she'd be able to do it.

Cindy went to find her mother. She had to talk to somebody about this.

Demeter had her own room in Macavity's mansion (yes, mansion), which she had been living in since she decided to stay with Macavity. She sat admiring herself in the mirror, but she looked up and smiled when her daughter entered the room.

"Hello, sweetheart," she said. "How are you?"

"I'm good, mother," said Cindy and sat down on the bed. She felt a little sad, but she didn't know why.

Demeter frowned and walked up to her. "You don't look too good."

"It's just..." Cindy paused and sighed. "Never mind."

"You can tell me, my darling. I am your mother."

"Well." Cindy curled up in the bed and started her lament. "Oh mother, I'm not sure that this is what I want!"

"What do you mean, my dearest darling?"

"This!" Cindy waved her paw around vaguely. "All this! I don't want to live in this mansion, far away from everything and everyone. I want... I want to leave! See knew things, meet new people, and I don't want to be the heir of Macavity!"

Her eyes filled with tears. Demeter shook her head.

"Oh, I understand your doubt," she said. "It was the same with me. But you have to know, my dear, that sometimes we cannot decide for ourselves what to do with our lives. Duty is a terrible thing."

"Well, I won't stand for it!"

In a sudden fit of rage, Cindy stood up. Her eyes sparkled with fury. She looked very much like her father when he was throwing a tantrum.

"I will leave!" she proclaimed dramatically. "I will not stay here, where my life is decided for me and I cannot do what I want!"

Demeter's eyes widened in sudden terror. "Oh no, my darling! Your father would be most crossed!"

"I don't care! He would never hurt me. I am his most beloved heir, and my powers are far vaster than his. I could defeat him with one paw tied behind my back, and he knows it! He would not dare to even ruffle up my perfect fur!"

There was a low sound, like someone trying to hold in laughter and failing miserably, but Cindy was busy with her righteous anger and paid it no heed.

"Yes!" she continued, waving her paws in the air as she spoke. "I shall leave! Do not try to stop me, mother! I must go and fulfil my destiny and stuff!"

Demeter looked sad. Her emerald orbs filled with tears, and soon she sobbed tragically. "Oh, I understand! But please, I beg you not to go alone. Please, take this small trinket..." The queen went over to her nightstand and picked up something that glittered in gold and blood red jewels. "Take this. It belonged to your great-grandmother's roommate's ex-boyfriend's stepsister's hairdresser. It is said to have magical powers, and it will protect you. Go to the east. There, you shall find my people. Your people. The Jellicles. Perhaps shall you even find your destiny. Go! You must leave now! Your father will be ready for you if you do not leave right away!"

Cindy looked at the trinket. It was a necklace. In a thin chain made out of gold hang a locket with a pattern of many jewels. When Cindy squinted, she could clearly see a carving of a cat's face at the front, where rubies made the eyes. Ah, it was something that suited her own exquisite beauty, for sure! She put it on and looked at her reflection in her mother's mirror.

"You look so beautiful in it, my darling," wailed Demeter and started crying violently again. "Oh, if only your great-grandmother's roommate's ex-boyfriend's stepsister's hairdresser could see you now!"

Cindy gave her mother a hug. "Thank you. I shall treasure it."

"I know you will. Now go! Flee!"

_"Run! Scamper! Get lost, already!"_

Cindy ignored the voice, turned rapidly and ran dramatically out of the room. Demeter stood there alone, watching her daughter disappear. Suddenly her own beauty seemed to have faded ever so slightly, and her eyes turned misty.

"About time too," said a black cat and stepped out of the shadows.

Her sister followed suit and waved her paw in front of Demeter's fogged stare. The golden queen didn't react. "She won't be a problem," reported the young, black queen. "Get the tools out."

"Right-O."

Agent Ekwy allowed for the large brown backpack she was carrying to fall to the floor and started rummaging through it. Normally she didn't travel this heavy, but for this particular mission it had been necessary. Not only did they have a Mary-Sue on their hands (paws, technically), but also a Sued canon.

Patiently she got out a few white candles, a packet of matches, some vanilla incense, and two objects that looked like a pair of golden feline eyes, much like the special logotype for the musical CATS. She gave Gecka one of the eyes.

"Take this, and help me with the candles."

They placed the candles in a circle around Demeter's bed (a large and very pink thing with velvet curtains), and then they led the queen there to lie down herself. Demeter didn't protest. She hadn't moved much since Cindy had disappeared. It seemed as if she was in some sort of shock.

Ekwy went around with the matches and lit the candles while Gecka took the incense. Soon, a sweet smell of vanilla spread through the room. Ekwy picked up her gold-eye.

"You ready?" she asked her sister.

Gecka nodded. "Always. Just tell me when it's time."

Ekwy nodded, and then she took a deep breath. "In the name of T.S Eliot and Andrew Lloyd Webber, of the Really Useful Group and the Everlasting Cat itself, I command thee, fiend, to leave this body and never return! Gecka, now!"

"Disappear from this realm forever!" continued Gecka. "Never plague us again! SO MOTE IT BE!"

The Agents slammed the eyes down on Demeter's chest, and the queen screamed. And then, the silvery ghost of the Suvian spirit that had possessed her let go of its former vessel and floated up into the air.

"SO UNFAIR!" it shrieked. "I HATT JOO!"

Ekwy grabbed her weapon, a toasting fork that hanged in a sheath at her waist, and stabbed it through the head of the spirit. It howled in pain and faded away.

On the bed, Demeter blinked a few times. "Wha-what happened?"

In perfect unison, the sisters put on their sunglasses.

"Oh," said Gecka calmly and raised the neuralyzer. "Nothing at all."

_Flash._

"Sleep, Demeter. When you wake up, you'll be back at the junkyard, and you've just had a strange dream. It was so odd that you don't want to remember it. And then you'll give Munkustrap a big hug."

"Good work," said Ekwy and nodded approvingly.

"Thanks. Question."

"Shoot."

"Where exactly did you get that fork? I thought we weren't supposed to have uncanonical weapons."

Ekwy grinned. "Ah, yes. That's what I thought too. But then I realized that the cats do have weapons in _Growltiger's Last Stand_, so I decided to get myself a nice toasting fork. Don't worry, we'll get you a carving knife when this mission is over."

"Fine." Then Gecka's pout disappeared, and she suddenly looked hopeful. "Can I have Cindy's necklace, then?"

Ekwy sighed. "Yes. You can have the necklace. Come on now, we still have work to do."

-

Cindy made a grand entrance to the Jellicle junkyard. Her similarities to Demeter made the first tom to notice her (Pounci-something. His name wasn't all that important) believe that she was her mother who had come back to them, and he caught her in a tight hug.

"Oh Demeter!" he cried out. "We were so worried about you!"

Cindy got out of the hug and looked at him oddly. "Pardon me, but my name is not Demeter, although she is my mother. I am Cinderella Wilhelmina Anna Bandanna. But you can call me Cindy," she added, smiling sweetly.

Pounci-something gasped. "Demeter is your mother? But then your father must be..."

"Yes." Cindy nodded sadly. "My father is the notorious Napoleon of Crime."

"Ah, but then I must bring you to Old Deuteronomy right away!" Pounci-something grabbed Cindy's perfectly manicured paw and ran hurriedly. Before they knew it, they were in front of Old Deuteronomy himself.

"Welcome," said the old cat, nodding. "So you come here to us to become a Jellicle, then?"

Cindy nodded. "Yes, it is what I want more than anything. You see, I never felt like I fit in back at the mansion. My father was horrible to me, and my mother was the only one who understood my pain." A single tear trickled down her cheek.

"Indeed, your story is filled with much suffering," said Old Deuteronomy, his kind eyes filled with pity. "Of course, you can be a Jellicle." He waved his paws randomly in the air. "There. Now you are a Jellicle."

Cindy exhaled deeply. Yes. She could feel the power running through her veins now, the Jellicle power. It bubbled underneath her skin; made the air sing and her head feel slightly dizzy. In combination with the powers she had inherited from Macavity, she felt stronger than she had ever felt in her life. Without even realizing it herself, she pointed at the tire on which Old Deuteronomy sat. A beautiful red rose grew up where she had pointed, its sweet smell filling the junkyard.

There was some commotion.

"A sorceress!" exclaimed Mistoffelees, who had randomly showed up because he felt like it. "And a powerful one at that."

"Yes," chorused Coricopat and Tantomile. "Why, she is more powerful than us and Misto put together! Macavity himself is no match for her!"

_"Why, she is simply marvellously splendid!"_

"I agree, sister dearest, she is an original! Not even the least bit annoying!"

"My, for I must concur, this being is without a doubt absolutely spiffing and great! She must be celebrated!"

Cindy looked around. Behind Mistoffelees, leaning against the wall of the old ford, stood two black queens, their front paws crossed over their chests. Cindy was certain that they were the ones that had bellowed those words, and that there had been a large amount of sarcasm involved. She decided to ignore them for now. Perhaps she could make Old Deuteronomy to banish them later on?

"My friends," she said now, addressing the Jellicles. "I am now one of you."

_"By all means, do not question this. If I continue with this formal language, then you simply must take me seriously."_

"We shall be together always, for my heart has always longed to see your faces and learn your names. Yes, I am indeed a sorceress, and my powers can put all of yours to shame."

_"She said, humbly."_

"Do not fear me for this, see is but as a contribution to the most honoured Jellicle tribe." Cindy's eyes darted towards the black queens again. They waved merrily at her. "I humbly stand before thee, pleading to become one of you. Your leader," she showed at Old Deuteronomy, "has accepted me. I only ask for your blessing."

_"You ain't gettin' it, poppit."_

Cindy snapped. "Okay, _what_ is your problem?" she yelled at the two black cats. "Like, I've been nothing but good and sweet! Why don't you like me?"

The older queen looked at the younger, and both smirked.

"Oh, we were hoping you'd say that," said the oldest. "There are quite a lot of reasons why we don't like you. In fact, we wrote a list. Gecka?"

She nodded at her sister, who took up a very long piece of paper.

"Yes, Cinderella Wilhelmina Anna Bandanna, also called Cindy the Terrible," said the younger cat, Gecka. "You have been charged with all the following crimes against canon: Inflicting OOCness on canon characters, mainly Macavity, Demeter and Old Deuteronomy; being the uncanonical offspring of a canon character; causing Demeter to behave like a Sue herself; having a shiny Necklace of Doom; being a more powerful magician than all the cats of the Jellicle tribe plus Macavity combined; making Macavity live in a mansion; making cats use the bathroom; talking in an angsty and formal language that really gets on my nerves..."

The queen paused and turned to her older counterpart. "Anything else, Ekwy?"

"Ah yes. Turning the process of being accepted as a real Jellicle into something that takes three seconds and some waving. That's my main pet peeve. Otherwise, I think we're done. If you could just come with us, please."

She grabbed the beautiful queen and started to drag her away from the junkyard. Gecka stayed behind, holding up a small metal object in front of the rest of the Jellicles. There was a flash, and then Gecka followed the Agent and the Sue. They walked for a while until they were sure that the neuralyzed Jellicles wouldn't hear eventual screaming.

For Cindy did scream.

"This is not fair!" she exclaimed. "They were all supposed to love me! This isn't _right_!"

Ekwy snorted, letting go of her and unsheathing her toasting fork. "Yeah. The important thing is that you believe that, poppit. Now. Did you have any ideas for her disposal, Gecks?" She turned to look at her sister.

Gecka, started to say something, but was interrupted when Cindy suddenly started to glow. "Oh. Check that out."

The special necklace that the Sue was wearing had suddenly erupted in bright light. The rubies shimmered eerily, casting red shadows around the junkyard, and the pendant on which they hanged rose slowly into the air.

"I am the heir of Macavity!" chanted Cindy, eyes sparkling madly. "I will not be mocked! I am magic! You, mere mortals, will know the power of my WRATH!"

Pink and purple lightning started to shoot out from her paws, and her voice sounded hollow and grave. The lightning clashed horribly with the red glow of the necklace.

Ekwy wasn't very impressed. "Damn cheesy special effects," she remarked. "Come on now, missy. We don't have time for this."

More lighting flashed. "I WILL NOT BE-"

"Yes, yes, we've gathered. Shut up, or we'll get worse. Gecka?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Do you have any idea on how to take her out?"

"I AM THE HEIR OF-"

"Shut up."

Gecka looked pensive. "You did the whole 'feed her to the Pollicles' thing last time, right?"

"Yep. And what a sight it was!" Ekwy sighed dreamily. "Very... special."

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!"

Gecka blinked at her. "Oh yes, dear, we're listening. We just don't care very much."

Cindy gaped. "W-what? How can you not care about me? I'm so... lovely!"

"Tell it to someone who cares, dearie. Leave us alone." Gecka turned back towards her sister. "Use that nifty fork of yours, then. It's nice and pointy."

"Nah, I've already used it once during this mission. I want to be original."

"That is a challenge in this continuum." Gecka frowned, one silky paw on her chin. "Hm. We _are_ in London, though. Perhaps we could throw her down the Tower or something? Drown her in the Thames, perhaps?"

"Yes, the Thames is mentioned in a song, so that should be doable," nodded Ekwy. "And I'm rather fond of the idea to make her walk the plank."

"It's settled, then!" Gecka clapped her paws. "Can I do it? Pleasepleasepleaseplease? You got to do it last time!"

"That was because you were throwing up all over the place. You couldn't even lift a chocolate bar!"

"Still, fair's fair."

Ekwy sighed. "Fine, you can do it. But if you get to kill her, then I want her necklace!"

Gecka's eyes widened. "No! I called that necklace! It's mine!"

"You get the kill, I get the shiny! It's not more than fair!"

The younger queen pouted. "You're stupid."

"I am your sister, it is my right. Heeey... What happened with our Sue?"

The sisters turned around to check at Cindy. The gorgeous queen had turned very pale, and she was clutching at her heart. Her eyes were wide and filled with shock. Her mouth opened and closed without any sounds coming out; she looked a bit like a fish that had been thrown up on dry land.

"You... don't care," she whispered. "That's not... possible..."

And suddenly, without any warning, her eyes rolled back and she dropped to the ground. Ekwy and Gecka stood and blinked at her for a while. Then Ekwy went up to check her pulse.

"Stone dead," she reported, her voice filled with awe. "My. It must have been a bit of a shock to her."

"An interesting case," remarked Gecka. "'Cause of Death: Lack of attention.' I don't think we've ever seen that before."

"Fascinating. That goes in the scrapbook back at the response centre." Ekwy stood up again. "Come on, we must get rid of the body."

The sisters grabbed one end of the Sue each. She wasn't heavy, being extremely thin since her author had mistaken "slim" for "anorexic."

"She died on her own," Gecka pointed out as they carried her off to the Thames. "That means the old deal goes. I get the necklace."

"You are such a baby!" Ekwy snorted. She held a firm grip around Cindy's lithe legs, the tail wined around her right arm. Perhaps she could have the tail cut off and be made into a scarf? If it got washed up a little bit, it would certainly be a decent enough birthday present for her mother...

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

The quarrel would have lasted a bit longer if not Ekwy's portal generator had suddenly given off a loud BEEEEEEEEPing noise. She groaned.

"Oh, what is it now? We can't get another mission right away, we haven' even completed this one!"

She simply dropped her part of Cindy's body and got up the generator. Red letters flashed before her eyes, and suddenly, she started to smile.

"What is it?" asked Gecka, trying to stand on her toes to read over her sister's shoulders.

"It's not a mission," said Ekwy and grinned. "It's an invite. To the Official Fanfiction university of Cats."

Gecka's eyes started to glitter. "They've started one of those?"

"Oh yes. And miss Minnaloushe - the course coordinator, that is - wants _us_ to teach the GrammarBootCamp for her."

"Will the Tugger be there?"

"Of course! He's a canon, silly!"

"Will I be able to play Hug the Tug?"

"I don't think they encourage fangirlic behaviour, Gecks. You may have to restrain yourself."

Gecka sighed. "Pity."

Ekwy grabbed her end of the late Cindy the Terrible again, hooking the portal generator back on her belt. "Let's go. The sooner we get rid of this chick, the sooner we get there." She grinned again, and now there was something sadistic in it. "This'll be fun."

* * *

**A/N:** No worries, this will not be abandoned just because my Agents goes to teach at OFUC. They'll still get missions, and they'll probably be more homicidal now that they're also teaching. No rest for the PPC. .:shakes head sadly:.

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Rose Black:** No, I didn't make the Sparklypoo comic. That's all GMonkey. :) And nah, I don't write with my sister, either. Gecka IS my real sister, however. Her real name is Jessika. She doesn't care about fanfiction much, so I have to give her her lines. The only thing that's really true in this story are us being siblings, and that her Lust Object really IS the Tugger.  
**Zazzie:** Could you explain a bit more what you mean with an "excatly-like-the Author-but-prettier Sue?


	5. The Account of Nituna, Part I

**A/N:** Well would you look at that! I updated this. Wasn't that a surprise for all of us? I have to warn you though, this chapter is somewhat more violent than the others. Not that I think you guys are in any way uncomfortable with that, just thought I should warn you. :)

Apologies to all Americans.

Disclaimer: Just a small note... I don't own the Malfoy figuring in this parody. J. K. Rowling does. And, as you know, I don't own CATS either.

**The Account of Nituna and Her Human**

Some stories begin with "Once upon a time..." Others with the words "A long time ago, in a land far, far away..." This story doesn't begin like that. For one, it would be giving out faulty information, and I don't "do" that. This is how this story starts.

Not that very long ago, in a junkyard that wasn't very different from the ones you might have rather close by to your home, lived a very handsome silver tomcat named Munkustrap. He was kind, charming, polite, well-mannered and an all-around good guy. Unfortunately, he had fallen in love with someone who was not, shall we say, as wonderful as he was. Her name was Demeter. Once she had been beautiful, but her beauty had faded and she was now a tattered and washed-up old queen despite the fact that she was actually a few months younger than Munkustrap was himself. Demeter was a shallow, manipulative whore who cared for nothing but money and power, and she had been using poor Munkustrap as a pawn in her evil schemes to take over the Jellicle junkyard. 

Oh, and she was cheating on him with Macavity too. And Alonzo. And the Rum Tum Tugger. And Gus the Theatre Cat. 

Despite all this, Munkustrap did love her very much. And now, as he watched the remnants of what she had left behind as she walked out on him in a fit of jealous rage because he had dared smiling at Bombalurina, his heart did bleed with sorrow. 

_How could she do this to me?_ He lamented, his blazing green eyes filled with tears. _She was my everything! I loved her more than life itself! Oh, I would do_ anything _to get her back! My beloved Demeter..._ He couldn't lead the tribe without her. He could do nothing without her. She had been his muse, his lover, his dearest friend, his everything! 

Munkustrap sobbed hysterically, not caring if anyone saw him. How could she do this? How could she just pack her things (well, not literally pack her things, she was a cat after all and packing things was a bit hard when you lacked opposable thumbs) after all they'd been through? 

The grey tabby was so busy mourning his loss that he did not notice that he was being watched. Perhaps he would have, if he had been fully in charge of his own mind at the time. But he wasn't, and he wouldn't be for a while. It was sad, but true. 

His watcher was a young queen with the most peculiar fur. It was a lovely pale lavender, silky smooth and without even a single tangle. Her tail was long and perfectly curved, and it was a funky bubblegum pink. Since she had always looked like this, she had been bullied very much and was extremely shy about it, but her kind heart always bled for strange toms that she found crying in alleys. Oddly enough, her stumbling across those weren't as unusual as you might think. 

The queen's name was Nituna. That was it. She had no last name, even though her human Darlene had once called her "nightingale" since her voice was simply beyond comparison. 

Slowly Nituna walked up to the crying tom. She stood silent for a moment or two before bringing up the courage to speak with him. 

"Why are you crying?" she asked in her sweetest tone. 

Munkustrap looked up at her. For a moment, pure terror gleamed in his green eyes behind the tears, but then they glazed over and he smiled tragically. 

"Oh, it is nothing," he said. "It is but so that I have lost my one true love, she left me and is not coming back!" 

He looked ready to burst into a lament. Nituna's eyes widened. 

"How terrible for you!" she exclaimed. "Was she really that special to you?" 

Munkustrap paused. Of course Demeter had been special to him! He had just had this inner monologue about how she was his everything and stuff! He and Demeter had been an item forever, they had always been together, inseparable. But when he thought about it... Hadn't she been unnecessarily clingy all the time? Before she changed and became so horrible to him, hadn't he sometimes thought that she was being too needy and paranoid with her consistent squealing about Macavity? Hadn't she LEFT him? 

He looked into Nituna's enchanting eyes. They were purple. How peculiar, and how... original. 

"Perhaps she wasn't so special after all," he mumbled. 

Nituna smiled. 

* * *

"'It is but so?'" The voice sounded both critical and amused. "Are there really people that speaks like that?" 

"I don't know, Gecks," said the other voice. "There must be. But one thing is for certain, and that is that Munkustrap does NOT speak like that." 

"I knew that." 

"I know you knew that." 

"I know you know I knew that." 

"I'm not playing this game with you, Gecks." 

The first voice sighed. "Fine. But I'm BORED. When do we..." 

"You already know. When she starts getting on our nerves." 

"But she's already getting on my nerves!" 

"That's because your nerves are so SENSITIVE, sister dear. But I agree. What gets to me the most is her fur. Which one of her ancestors shagged a My Little Pony? Honestly, wouldn't that look much better as a rug in our room back at OFUC?" 

The owner of the first voice thought about it. "Absolutely. We could gauge those eyes out and use them for marbles." 

"A good idea. But until then, sit down and watch instead." 

"Do I have to like it?" 

"No." 

"Then fine." 

* * *

Munkustrap was a bit confused. He had a feeling he'd lost someone important, but couldn't quite put his paw on whom. A small voice inside his head screamed a name, but he wasn't able to decipher it. 

"So," he said to Nituna, who sat in front of him, delicately eating a piece of mouse-cake. "Where are you from?" 

The lovely lavender queen smiled sweetly at him. "Oh, well that is a long story," she said. "Actually I'm not English at all. I am from America originally, but my owners had to move here." Her purple eyes got a tender look in them as she spoke of her family. 

_"That wasn't a very long story... She lied to us!" _

"I am hurt! To the core!" 

"Do you want to tell me about your family?" asked Munkustrap interestedly. 

Nituna perked up. "Okay! Well, first there is my mistress, and she is real pretty because she has natural pink hair just like me. We're like soul mates or something; we know what the other is thinking like THAT. I speak human you know, so we have a very strong connection. She has a boyfriend too, who loves her more than ANYTHING. It's so cute when he grovels before her feet..." 

She giggled a little, and a part of Munkustrap wanted to attack her and scratch her eyes out, but that feeling soon disappeared. How could he have thought that about Nituna? Beautiful Nituna... Pretty Nituna... Who had such lovely eyes and such an original colour on her silky fur... 

_"Oh great, a Sue with a Sue for a mistress... We have to kill her too, you know." _

"Smashing. Just wake me up when she stops yapping about her oh-so-special family." 

Munkustrap shook himself out of his reverie and asked: "So what are you doing in this junkyard? Shouldn't you be at home?" 

Nituna looked sad. "Yes, I should be. But you see, I went out for a short walk, and now I am lost. Do you think you could help me find my way?" 

"Oh, of course!" Munkustrap smiled reassuringly. "We have magical cats in my tribe, they would certainly help you. Why don't you just come with me, it's not far." 

_"Here we go again... You know, I can't take another one of those 'Sue meets the Jellicles' scene. Can't we skip it?" _

A pause. "You know the SO frowns on skipping parts of the story, Gecks." 

"The SO frowns on a lot of things... Come on! Let it be an early birthday present." 

"Tell you what, we compromise. We miss the first half, with the whole 'ohh, ahh, you are so pretty like OMG!' bit, and go straight for the introduction of Mistoffelees." 

"You just want to look at him adoringly, don't you?" 

"Maybe." 

A sigh. "Fine." 

* * *

Nituna had, gorgeous as she was, made a success at the junkyard. Everyone loved her right away because she was so nice, and she was also remarkably capable of making conversation with any Jellicle about any subject. She talked with the kittens about toms and giggled with them, as if she was one of them, but she could also chat with Jennyanydots and Jellylorum about knitting and with the Rum Tum Tugger about the proper way to manage your fur. She discussed lunch recipes with Bustopher Jones for a good half hour before Munkustrap could drag her away to see Mistoffelees. 

The handsome tuxedo cat lay napping on top a rusty car, but he woke up immediately when he noticed Munkustrap and Nituna approaching. He smiled. 

"Good afternoon, Munkustrap," he said, nodding. "Who is your friend?" 

"This is Nituna," said Munkustrap and couldn't help but smiling a little goofily. "She has gotten from her family and can't find her way back. Do you know a magic trick that might help?" 

Mistoffelees paused and thought about it. "I might. But it might take a while. The moon had to be in the right phase... I must consult with the Twins... Collect herbs..." 

_"Oh, what a load of_ crap!_ We all know it's just an explanation for keeping this stinkin' Sue around the junkyard for a while! Oh Misto, my darling Misto, what have she done to you? You are... a matchmaker!" The voice died out in a complaining wail and the owner of it threw her arms around her companion's neck, sobbing against her shoulder. _

"Er... there, there?" 

Nituna frowned and looked around. Munkustrap gazed at her adoringly. 

'She's so beautiful, even when she looks confused,' he thought, and his heart swelled when he remembered that she would have to stay for a while until Mistoffelees had prepared himself for his magic. 'She's so different from anyone I've met...' 

"Is there anything wrong?" he asked gently.

The lavender queen looked up. "What? Oh no, there's nothing, I just thought I heard something. It sounded like crying." 

Munkustrap shrugged. "I heard nothing." 

"Neither did I," said Mistoffelees. 

_"He should have! He hears everything!"_

"Then it was probably nothing important," smiled Nituna. 

The grey tabby offered her his arm. "What do you say we go and have a bite to eat? I know a lovely little place where you can get meatballs and spaghetti for free, and people will play the banjo and accordion while you eat." 

Nituna's eyes sparkled. "Oh Munksie, that sounds _lovely_!" 

Suddenly everything stopped. Munkustrap's eyes glazed over, and his body froze in the position of taking Nituna's arm. The Sue herself tensed a moment, slowed down before stopping completely. Even Mistoffelees became still. Only two figures at the junkyard moved. 

Out of the shadows strutted a black queen with a white patch in the shape of a cactus on her right arm. By her side hung a toasting fork on a brown leather sheath, but that was all that was strange about her. Behind her came another black cat, although shorter and carrying a carving knife. The second queen had a grim expression on her furry face. 

"What did you do, Ekwy?" she asked the first cat. 

"I pressed the pause button," answered Ekwy truthfully and held up her Portal Generator. "We need to figure something out before we continue." 

"I didn't know we had a pause button on that thing!" 

"Well, we do. Now. My question is this: Do we continue following the tuna here," she gestured towards the frozen Nituna, "or do we go away for a while and kill her mistress?" 

Gecka thought about it. "Well, I'd say we go for the mistress. I haven't killed a human in a long while. Except that student the other day. But she doesn't count." She smiled rather unpleasantly. 

"Of course not. Or we could split up, I can go and take care of the human and you can finish it here..." 

"No way! I'm not missing any of these deaths!" 

Ekwy chuckled. "Very well, then. We can probably start things up again and leave them like this. The only thing we'll miss is Nituna's and Munkustrap's romantic dinner, which is clearly a rip-off from that scene in _The Lady and the Tramp_, and exists only to make our tribe Protector make googly eyes at the Sue. It's vomit-inducingly sweet and makes me want to heave." 

"Okely-dokely. Then do that thing you do and get us out of here." 

A moment later Munkustrap and Nituna where left alone, and behind the dumpster, a portal winked out of existence. 

* * *

The stairs were dark, but the spooky, blue light of the portal illuminated it somewhat. A hand fumbled after the glowing red button that would light the lamps and pressed it. 

"There," said Ekwy. "Much better. Hey look, we're human!" 

She looked at her hand as if she had never seen it before. 

"Of course we're human, you nitwit," sighed Gecka. "It would look weird for a pair of giant cats standing in a hallway, now wouldn't it?" 

"True. I just haven't had human form on a mission for so long..." 

Her voice faded as she took in the place they were currently in. 

"Whoa..." 

A chandelier hung from the ceiling high above them, casting its bright light over a magnificent red carpet so thick that the PPC Agents sunk into it to their ankles. The walls were a creamy white colour, and costly paintings and other artefacts were placed everywhere. Immediately, Ekwy got the overwhelming urge to break them. 

The Agents in their black uniforms did look extremely out of place in a room such as this. Gecka tugged at her shirt uncomfortably. 

"I really wish we had a gun," she said. "It would be the proper way to do this. Running her through with a carving knife really isn't the same." She sighed. "Ah well. We'll manage." 

Ekwy, who had been looking at a blue vase on a pedestal and wondered if it would make a funny sound if it crashed on the floor, looked up and blinked. "Huh?" 

"Stop looking at the breakables, Eks. We have a job to do." 

Ekwy pouted. "Fine." 

She tried to brush off the dirt from her shirt in a vain attempt to look presentable and went up to the cherry-tree door. She read the name on the mahogany sign: "Fieldflower-Malfoy?" She frowned and turned her head to her sister. "You think this is a Harry Potter crossover?" 

"It might." Gecka shivered. "If that's the case then I do pity poor Draco. Knock on the door." 

Ekwy did. They waited patiently until a person dressed in a black dress with a white apron opened the door. 

"Yes?" she requested. "May I help you?" 

"Yes, hello," said Ekwy and grinned. "We're here to kill your mistress. Is she around?" 

The maid stood blinking for a moment. As a bit character, she was not too bright. 

"My mistress is here," she said finally. "Do you wish to come in, or shall I get her to the door?" 

"Ohh, we'll come in!" chirped Ekwy and clapped her hands. "This house is so pretty!" 

"Thank you," said the maid. She seemed confused by the entire situation. "I clean it a lot. Though my mistress is a very neat person... She never makes a mess." 

"I can imagine," muttered Gecka as she and her sister brushed by her into the apartment. 

The Fieldflower-Malfoy residence was if possible even more gaudy than the hallway. The first room the Agents stepped into was decorated in various shades of green. The walls were a mint colour, with specks of silver here and there. When you looked closed at them you could see that the specks were in the shape of slithering serpents. That pattern showed up a lot in this room; the feet of the lamps were silver snakes with brilliant green emeralds for eyes, and the legs of the furniture were similarly shaped. 

"Yikes," mumbled Ekwy. "This must be the tackiest room I've ever been in." She looked at the maid. "Where's your mistress?" 

"In the Pink Study. Shall I call her for you?" 

"Please do." 

"Just don't tell her what we're here for!" Gecka called out after the maid as she disappeared up the stairs. 

The Agents bounced down on a green couch and put their feet up on the green coffee table. To get dirt on the spotless glass surface felt remarkably good. 

"So," said Ekwy after a few moments of silence," have you seen any good movies lately?" 


	6. The Account of Nituna, Part II

**A/N:** I decided that I could have divided the chapter a little neater. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

**The Account of Nituna and Her Human, Part Two**

Darlene Angelette Fieldflower regarded her lover with her multi-coloured eyes. Yes, her eyes really were multicoloured. The right was green closest to the pupil, a green which faded into dark blue the closer to the white you got. The left eye was a deep, mesmerizing red, and the pink, squiggly lines that wreathed her pupil made it look like a miniature sun. And these eyes, these beautiful orbs of enchantment and hidden power, were fixed on him, and him alone. 

"Oh baby," she purred and leaned her head against his broad chest. "You didn't have to do this for little old me..." 

Her lover looked at her adoringly. "Darlene, my love, for you I would do anything! This is only a small token of my love for you. The Dark Lord would surely never have won anyway, and it was my pleasure to turn myself over to the Ministry of Magic and tell them everything I knew! Anything to make you happy, my sweet, my beloved, my..." 

She waved a hand. "Yes, that is enough. Just be quiet and kiss me!" 

He leaned in to obey... and there was a knock on the door. 

"Mistress Darlene?" said the maid's voice from outside. "There are people here to see you, miss." 

Darlene looked momentarily confused. "I have not sent for anyone." 

"They say it is very important, miss. A matter of life and death." 

Darlene never paid any attention to her servants. Had she done that, she might have noticed that the maid's otherwise dull and monotone voice sounded... eager. The witch sighed and gently pushed her lover aside. 

"Very well," she muttered sulkily. "I shall come. Darling, stay behind me. It might be dangerous, and I don't want you to get hurt." 

His eyes flashed with hatred for a brief second, but then the spell was cast over him again, and he nodded humbly. "Whatever you say, my dear." 

He followed her down the stairs like a puppy, not even looking up to admire the spectacular artefacts and paintings that were everywhere in the apartment. He had no interest in anything beautiful but her and wished nothing but staring at his love all day long, if only she let him. 

Finally they arrived to the Slytherin salon, which was his favourite room in the entire residence, not counting her bedroom. On the green couch sat two female strangers clad in black. They looked at him in surprise as he entered. 

"Mr. Malfoy?" asked the taller of the two. "Are you... where's Narcissa?" 

Darlene's face twitched with loathing, and she looked at him expectantly. 

"Narcissa is a bitch," said Lucius Malfoy calmly, reciting dutifully what she had taught him. "She is a filthy whore of Death Eaters, and I want nothing to do with her anymore. I have started a new life with my darling Darlene, far away from the Dark side." He smiled tenderly at his beloved while his eyes screamed for help. 

"I... see," said the shorter stranger. "And what about your son, Draco? Is he here?" 

"My son is at the Burrow with his friends Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Lovely children. Brave, honest and loyal to each other. Just as I want my son to be." Lucius smiled brightly. 

"Good boy," purred Darlene. 

The strangers stared at them for a moment in disbelief before the oldest cleared her throat. 

"Well..." she said slowly. "All right. Well. Yes. This is a problem, no doubt." 

"There is no problem here," said Darlene calmly. "Who are you? What are you doing here?" 

"We come bearing news on your cat." 

Darlene perked up right away. "You do?" she exclaimed and clapped her hands together. "Have you found her?" When the two strangers nodded she laughed in relief. "Oh, how wonderful! Is she okay?" 

"For now," muttered the younger. "She won't be very soon." 

Darlene glared at her. "What? Why are you saying that? Who are you two, anyway?" 

"Oh, I'm glad you asked!" The brunette pointed at herself with one thumb. "I'm Ekwy, and this," she nodded towards her companion "is my sister: Gecka." 

"Gecka?" repeated Darlene and snorted. "That's not a name; that's a lizard!" 

"That's 'Gecko'," muttered Gecka, and a low growl escaped her. "Why does everybody keep thinking that my parents named me after a bloody lizard?" 

Ekwy took this into consideration. "Well, you do remove pests on occasion... And I suppose the whole 'being able to alter your appearance' thing counts as changing colour to fit the environment..." 

"I was not asking for you to back her up!" 

"Oh." Ekwy paused, and then she turned towards Darlene. "Anyway... we have some business with you as well, miss Fieldflower." She got up a piece of paper and cleared her throat. "Darlene Angelette Fieldflower, you are being charged with all the following crimes against canon: Making a character fall head over heals in love with you and therefore abandon his canonical spouse and force his poor son to spend time with the people he hates more than anything..." 

"My Draco adores staying at the Burrow!" interrupted Lucius. "He has fallen in love with young Virginia Weasley..." 

"Her name is Ginevra!" hissed Ekwy. "Not Virginia. Get it right, will you?" She ignored his indignant huffs and continued. "Having a ridiculous eye-colour that clashes terribly with your natural pink hair; making Lucius act hideously out of character; owning a talking, Suvian pet and annoying me and my sister a whole lot. You are condemned to death. Nice to have inhumed you." 

And she, with a lofty and slightly absent smile, calmly ran the shocked Darlene through with her toasting fork. The Sue blinked in surprise a couple of times before realizing that she had been injured, and then she fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes. She didn't move again. 

"Well, that's that, then," said Ekwy and pulled out her weapon with a wet, squishy sound. "Piece of cake." 

"We do have the main Sue left," pointed out Gecka. "And then, of course, there is the small matter of him." She nodded towards Lucius Malfoy, who had slowly come to life after the Suvian spell wore off. 

"Good afternoon, sir," said Ekwy and bowed her head politely. "I suppose you do have some questions for us?" 

"What? Oh. Yes." The Death Eater stood up straight, immediately reverting into his default mode: being a bigoted, sarcastic bastard. "Was I, by any chance, in love with that wretched creature?" 

He looked at Darlene's corpse with distaste. 

"I'm afraid so, sir," said Gecka as she and her sister calmly put on their sunglasses. "But don't worry, though. We'll make sure it... never happened. Look this way, please." 

_Flash_. 

Lucius stood blinking. 

"This has been an extremely uncomfortable experience for you, and you'll blame it on Halfbloods and Muggleborns," said Ekwy with a small smile. "As soon as you have walked through the portal back to the Ministry of Magic, you shall send a carriage for your son at the Burrow. Once he is back safe and sound at your manor, you shall Obliviate him to make sure he forgets this entire incident. And then you shall forget it yourself. That all clear?" 

Lucius nodded dazedly. 

"Peachy! Now pass through here..." 

The portal closed behind the Death Eater, and the two Agents sighed in unison. 

"Two things out of three," said Gecka. "Let's get back to the junkyard. Our revolting couple must have gotten to dessert by now." She made a face. 

Ekwy, who was looking around absentmindedly, nodded. "Oh yes... There is just one more thing that I'd like to do before we leave this place." 

"Sure, break whatever you want." Gecka shrugged. "I don't care." 

"It's not that." Ekwy smiled. "Miss maid? Are you still around?" 

The maid walked out of the shadows. Suddenly she seemed more _real_. Her hair, which had earlier been an undescript grey was now a soft golden brown, pulled up in a neat bun and arranged underneath a hairnet. The maid's face was as before calm and stoic, but some of the dullness had been shaken off, and they could clearly see that she was somewhat intimidated by the whole situation. 

"Hello dear," said Ekwy kindly. "Don't worry, we're not going to hurt you. What's your name?" 

"Sybil Dickinson, miss," answered the maid with barely a tremor in her voice. 

Both Agents were very impressed. The number of people they knew that could look into an Assassin's eyes without trembling could easily be counted on one hand's fingers. 

"Worked here long?" asked Gecka conversationally. She had started to see her sister's plan. 

Sybil shook her head. "A week or two, miss." 

"And before that?" 

The maid opened her mouth to answer, but then she closed it again and frowned. "I... I don't really remember, miss. I don't think I existed then." 

"Oh, she's clever," grinned Gecka. "I like her." She turned towards Sybil. "Well Sybil, what would you say if we told you that you can stay in this apartment? To live here, as if it was your own?" 

Sybil's brown eyes widened. "Oh, I would not like it much at all! I mean, not that I don't appreciate it an' all, but to tell you the truth..." she lowered her voice, afraid that Darlene might hear her, even though said mistress lay dead on the floor, "me mistress had a truly awful taste, if you don't mind me saying so. I don't think I'd like it even a little bit to sleep in her room." 

"Understandable." Ekwy nodded and scratched her chin. "Well then, would you like a new job, with a new family?" 

"If it's all possible, miss." 

"Oh I think we might... scare up some employment for you, Sybil." Ekwy smiled. "I really think we do." 

* * *

Knock, knock. 

"Yes? May I help you ladies?" 

"Yes hello, Mr... Jones. We are with the Health Department. We're here to check for possible gas leaks in the area. Would you mind awfully if we took a look in your apartment? No? That's very kind of you, sir, it will only take a few minutes of your precious time. Gecka, you may check it out." 

"Seems clear to me. Not a Sue in sight, and there's even a spare room! You live here alone, sir?" 

"Yes..." 

"Smashing. What do you do?" 

"Write..." 

"Well, then wouldn't you just like a nice maid to keep order on things? Perhaps bring you a nice cup of tea after dinner? What do you say?" 

"Y... yes?" 

"Marvellous! Well, then..." 

_Flash_. 

"This is Sybil Dickinson, your new maid. She will keep your home very clean indeed, she can cook, and she is not terrible to look at either. She'll make an excellent maid. You're very pleased with her. She deserves a raise. She has lived here for two months already, doing a fantastic job. Go on in dear, go on!" 

"Thank you... Who are you, anyway?" 

"Oh, we're not very special at all. Take care now, Sybil. Who knows, we might see you one day." 

"Bye bye, Sybil!" 

A door slammed. Mr. Jones stood blinking in the hallway for a moment, and then he smiled absentmindedly. 

"Well then, Miss Dickinson," he said. "Would you mind fetching me a cup of tea? I don't know why, but suddenly I felt extremely thirsty..." 

Miss Dickinson curtseyed neatly. "Right away, Mr. Jones." 

Mr. Jones smiled again. "Please dear, call me Ned." 

* * *

"That was sweet," said Ekwy, who was grinning from ear to ear. "You think we can check on them from time to time?" 

"Our bosses won't like that. They're already Not Pleased because we live on OFUC campus instead of over at HQ. It is probably not a good idea to venture into the realms of BadFic more than usual, and especially not only to check up on a bit character and the neuralyzed neighbour." 

"The Bit Character and the Neuralyzed Neighbour... Sounds like a children's book to me." 

"If so, you were a very strange child." 

"You know I was." Ekwy grinned even wider. "Let's go now. We still have a Sue to kill." 

"Right." 

* * *

_This is the night, it's a beautiful night  
And we call it Bella Notte  
Look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes  
On this lovely Bella Notte..._

The two Italian chefs/singers closed their eyes and _felt_ the music as the lovely smell of spaghetti and meatballs rose into the night. 

At the table with the finest red and white tablecloth sat two cats, one a rather normal looking grey tabby with something dazed in his eyes, the other a freaky pink and purple queen who was smiling evilly when nobody was watching. 

"So tell me again," she purred, "why she left you?" 

Munkustrap sighed dramatically. "Well... I don't know what I did wrong, really. I only looked at Bombalurina for a little while, and suddenly my fair Demeter was screaming at me that I was a lying, cheating tom-whore, and that she had never loved me in the first place. Next I knew, she was gone, leaving me with my misery and pain." 

"Oh darling," cooed Nituna and nuzzled him. "Forget about your pain now. I am here with you, and the night is so beautiful. Let's not waste it on a foolish queen like Demeter. Tonight is about us." Her eyes gleamed mesmerizingly. 

Munkustrap smiled. "Of course, my beautiful Nituna. Oh, that I lived for such a long time without you!" 

"Munksie! I love you!" 

"And I love you! Oh, how I love you!" 

"I think I might be sick," said Gecka and staggered out of the shadows, pale in the cat-face she was once again wearing. "This is, without a doubt, the most revolting thing I have ever seen. And I have seen some revolting things, believe you me." 

Nituna stared at her for a moment, and then her purple eyes flashed. "You're trespassing! You shouldn't be here!" 

"Oh, if it isn't the pot calling the kettle black!" grinned Ekwy and joined her sister. "Okay Sue, let's go and leave the nice Jellicle alone, shall we? We all know you don't belong here." 

The Sue growled, showing two lines of sharp and perfectly white teeth. "I suggest you leave now, or I shall show you just how powerful I am." 

Munkustrap sighed in admiration. "Not only is she a creature of exquisite beauty, but she is also a magical cat! She has powers neither of you could dream of! She'll kill you!" 

"Don't need a life." Gecka unsheathed her weapon. "Got a knife. Stay back, would you, please?" 

Nituna growled again and attacked. It came as a surprise to Gecka, who stumbled backwards as the Sue fell on top of her, scratching and biting everywhere she could reach. 

"Ekwy!" 

Ekwy cursed in Swedish and gave Munkustrap a gentle push so that he'd keep out of the way before she sprang to her sister's aid. Her first blow with the toasting fork hit the Sue on the side of the head, and the force of it made her fall to her side, hissing violently and clutching her head. It gave Gecka time to stand up, but the Agents barely had the time to catch their breaths before Nituna attacked again. 

She was vicious. She was furious. And she was, as it turned out, quite a skilled fighter. Not skilled in the sense of fighting with the grace of a martial arts expert, but like a street urchin, who's had to fight to get food. Nituna did not fight fair, because she knew that those who do always lose. She pulled hair and bit and spat and cursed, and as she did, she began to lose grip of Munkustrap's mind. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Ekwy saw the grey tabby blink dazedly and shake his head, as if ridding himself of a bad dream. She saw his mouth form a question, and then how his eyes filled with hatred. He glared at Nituna and unsheathed his claws. Ekwy smiled. 

'This is the Munkustrap who went up against Macavity,' she thought as she ducked a slap from Nituna. 'This might actually be fun...' 

She nodded at Gecka and gestured towards Munkustrap to make her sister see. Gecka was hurt. Nituna's well-manicured claws had torn up the Agent's right cheek; three deep cuts that dripped blood down on the ground and Gecka's black fur. Though she was injured, Gecka aimed blow after blow at the Sue, her face grim with determination. 

As it turned out, she didn't have to. Munkustrap threw himself at Nituna and nailed her to the ground. His ears lay flat on his head and his eyes flashed. 

"Where's Demeter?" he growled. "Answer me!" 

Nituna, who had looked pleasantly surprised at first when she noticed her handsome new tom-toy laying on top of her, pouted prettily. 

"What do you mean, Munksie?" she asked and batted her eyelashes. "Demeter is just a bitch, and you don't _really_ love he..." 

Munkustrap hissed and raised a paw. Both Agents, who stood and watched the scene with smug faces, thought that he'd hit her, but he merely gave her a light slap. It couldn't have hurt much, but Nituna whimpered all the same. 

"I do not hit queens," he said and glared at her. "But I will bend my principles just for you in this case. _Where is Demeter_?" 

"Fine!" Nituna harrumphed. "She's with Macavity, where she belongs. That cheating, ugly whore! She doesn't deserve you, really, Munksie, I could..." 

Munkustrap slapped her again, harder this time. "You have no right to speak of her that way," he growled. "You have no right to even say her name. I should..." 

"Munkustrap?" asked Gecka softly. 

He turned towards her. "What!" 

"Look at the pretty red light, please." 

_Flash_. 

The Agents helped to get the tabby onto his feet as he looked around in confusion. 

"You're such a good kitty, Munkustrap," said Ekwy and smiled. "Now. Nothing of this has happened. You came out into this alley because you thought Macavity's henchcats were lurking in the shadows, but they aren't. When you go back to the junkyard you will find that Demeter is missing. She'll be at Macavity's, ready to get rescued whenever you please. Off you go now!" 

She watched as the tabby blinked a few times, and then as he shrugged and began to walk back to the junkyard. Before she lost sight of him, he broke into a run. Ekwy turned to her sister. 

"You okay?" 

Gecka nodded grimly. "'Tis but a scratch." 

"Deep cuts. We'll have to go to Jennyanydots to get them stitched up when we get back to OFUC." 

"Yeah, I figured that one out myself, thank you very much. Can we just get this mission over and done with?" When her sister nodded, Gecka turned to Nituna. "Nituna of Great Sue-ness, you are being charged with all the following crimes against canon: turning Munkustrap OOC and Demeter into a bitch; breaking up the canon relationship Munkustrap/Demeter so that you can get your paws on Munkustrap; causing a character to act like a lovestruck fool over you; having naturally purple fur with a pink tail..." 

"It's lavender!" 

"We don't care. It's friggin' purple. Onward, you're being charged with: having an actual cute human friend who you can talk to and who is a Sue in her own right; turning Mistoffelees into a matchmaker for yourself and Munkustrap; ripping off the romantic scene from _The Lady and the Tramp_; being a huge fricken' Mary-Sue, and annoying us both." 

Gecka paused. "Ekwy, don't you think this list really should be longer?" 

Ekwy took a peek at the list. "Oh yes. There were a lot of badness going on in this story, but we have enough charges here to kill at least three Sues." She looked at Nituna. "Do you have any last words, by any chance?" 

"You won't..." 

"Don't you dare say that we won't get away with this! We already did, you twit! Geez, when you only get a precious few last words, then why in Heaviside do you waste them on such a goddamn cliché?" 

Ekwy sighed in frustration and gestured at Gecka to finish the Sue off. Gecka smiled, raised her knife... and very neatly cut off Nituna's head. It fell to the ground with a thud. 

The world creaked as canon was stabilized. 

"Nicely done," said Ekwy and nodded approvingly. "What do you say we skin her? We could use a rug in our room..." 

Gecka, who had produced a tissue seemingly out of thin air to wipe the blood off her face, looked thoughtful for a moment. "We'll bring her back to campus first. I'll get my scratches looked at, we remove everything we want from the body, and then the minis gets a special treat. Those darlings are so useful for disposal of the bodies!" 

Ekwy hoisted up the body of Nituna on her shoulders and grinned. "I agree. Could you open up the portal? I'm sort of preoccupied at the moment." 

The Agents left. No one of them remembered that they had left the body of Darlene Angelette Fieldflower behind. 

* * *

Sybil Dickinson watched the apartment burn. Her mind was devoid of all emotions of pity or grief for the fate of her former mistress, and she only felt a strange satisfaction. She threw the packet of matches into the fire. 

She hadn't even been _real_. Mistress had not been real, and she had treated Sybil as if she wasn't real either. Not a person. Just a servant there to please. Sybil's hands formed fists automatically as she watched the fire creep closer to Darlene's body. Soon the stench of burning flesh would be unbearable. Then she would have to leave and call the fire station. They would of course be there too late to save poor mistress Darlene, who had so tragically perished in the flames. No one had to know that Darlene had been dead before the fire started. That was going to be Sybil's little secret. 

The maid smiled as Darlene's pink hair burst into flames, and then she made a face as the strong smell of burning hair reached her nostrils. That was it, then. She would have to leave now. 

Sybil calmly shut the door behind her as she left. She felt... good. As if she had succeeded in something important. As if she had won a great battle. She smiled. 

Now she would call the fire station. And then she would make Ned some tea. He really liked her tea.

* * *

**Answer to Review:  
Holmes is my lust object:** You asked if it was sane to lust after a character in a musical about cats. Well. There are two answers to that. One is: No. But no one said PPC Agents were sane. And the other one is: Dude, have you _seen_ the show? If you had taken one look at the glorious arse of the Rum Tum Tugger, you wouldn't wonder at all. ;)  
**Eponine:** Well the REAL Gecka isn't interested in fanfiction. But the CHARACTER Gecka is. There's a big difference between the two.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Yes, I write them myself. And I know I'll probably regret this, but: Why do you ask?  
**Jemima-luvah:** Yes, every fic these Agents drop into contains a Mary-Sue. That's how this works. If it hadn't been a Mary-Sue, then they wouldn't have gotten the alarm in the first place. Before the alarms goes off, saying that there is a Sue in the fandom, the fic in question has passed through the Department of Intellligence back at PPC Headquarters. Those people look through it to see if it deserves an assassination, and if it doesn't they put it under surveillance or file it away for future reference.  
And NO, an author can NOT become a Sue at OFUC campus. Magical wards have been set up to warn the faculty when there are Sues on the premises, to make sure that people like Maritza Chin Smaragde won't pass through again. A new chapter of OFUC is in the works.


End file.
